(Originally Published August 17, 2011)
Believe it or not, I'm a total control freak. I love being able to have things exactly how I want them. It's with great joy that I set my thermostat, cruise control, alarm, and DVR knowing that they will work exactly as I've told them too. 76 degrees? You got it! 68 mph? No problem! 6:45 wake-up call? Sure thing! So You Think You Can Dance at 8:00? Easy!
One HUGE problem with my incessant need for control, is that it makes it that much more difficult to trust in One. I feel helpless and weak letting go, surrendering, and truly trusting that the One who formed me, knows me, and guides me, truly has the perfect plan for me. And so, we wrestle.
Me, with questions, doubts, and fears, "God, I'm not so sure I can let this go..."
God, with constant reassurance, "Trust me, trust me, trust me."
No matter how many times I hear it, when it comes to letting go, it's hard for me to simply trust in Truth.
This morning, as I've been doing a little wrestling, I had a little revelation...nope, it's not that lukewarm coffee is gross...today, I've been thinking about love and what kind of qualities you posess when you truly love a person. A big part of loving someone? Being able to trust them.
I deeply love my sweet husband and because I love him, it's easy to trust him. Trust him that he will protect me, be faithful to me, look out for my best interests, care for me--I could go on and on. Rising into marriage isn't something to be taken lightly, but it was easy for me to stand in front of our family and friends and make vows to him because I love him and trust him completely.
So, if trust is an important part of love, how can I pray, talk, and write about loving God, when my fists are clenched tightly and I refuse to let go of a certain level of control to the One that I so deeply long to love? It's a conditional, limited love.
"God, I love you enough to trust you here and here, but I can't say I love you enough to completely trust you with this."
The funniest part about this whole little battle I'm facing, is that there are like a billion reasons why I should leap into trusting Him. The scriptures are more than clear that God is our advocate, He has purposeful plans for us, and He is looking out for our best interests. When we trust Him, He does not disappoint.
My (daughter), give me your heart and let your eyes keep to my ways...There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off."
Proverbs 23:26, 18
"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."